Natural Instincts

In my daily life I come across many of my natural inclinations that lead me to believe that maybe I shouldn't be allowed to raise a child. Most of them are just random immature things that shouldn't really enteratin me, but absolutely slay me, like any video of a fat kid falling down ( http://www.fatkidsfalling.com/ ) or when my dog farts and scares himself to the point that he freezes, locked in an instense pug stare while he tries to figure out what the hell just happened. I know what you're thinking...and you're right! If I end up with a chubby little flatulent kid, I'm completely screwed. I won't even be able get off the couch without peeing my pants from laughter.

Fast forward to today when I was discussing Halloween plans with a friend and came to the conclusion that I will likely stay home Halloween night and pass out candy to little kids. Unfortunately, I have this terrible knack for trying to make all normally innocent fun events slightly more fun by adding some sort of offensively childish twist to said event, like spinning in circles around a golf club before you hit your tee shot in order to see if you can stay upright, let alone strike the ball in a semi-athletic manner. For Halloween I figured I could buy tons of candy in order to encourage sugar-based behavioral and dental problems for all of my neighborhood kids, but why not also test their intelligence and determination while I'm at it?

I know the wife will disallow me to carry out my plan, but how great would it be to super glue pieces of candy to the sidewalk a few feet away from my house? Then not only could I spread the joy of snack size candy bars, but as the sugar-filled midgets left my residence I could also sit on my porch and watch chubby superheroes and skinny little ghouls attempt to pry up the tiny pieces of temptation. With any luck, the huskies ones will tip over in their sweet-induced rage.