Birth Poses

The first and most likely pose is the standard proud new father pose. This classic is definitely unoriginal, but familiar and warm to all who have seen it and experienced it before. It’s essentially the same posture you would take after dropping a watermelon full of booze and it somehow miraculously did not break. You hold the watermelon/baby back down on your forearm with its head resting against your bicep. Cooing is optional, but glossed over eyes and bedhead hairstyles are mandatory components of this stance. This maximizes not only the cuteness of your father-son bond, but also makes your child look tiny and your biceps 30% larger than normal. This will most likely be my instinctual go-to pose, but if I can pull myself together long enough to realize what is going on , the I am definitely going with one of the next two poses.

This one is a doozy. What could be better than expressing to the world my love of sports, my love for my newborn son, and my general athletic prowess all in one moment as soon as the boy enters the world?
(That was a rhetorical question, please don’t offer me suggestions in the comments about what would actually be better). Therefore, I propose what can only be considered the greatest father-son moment in newborn history…the Heisman. Take the boy under your right arm, raise front knee as if in mid jump-cut, and extend left arm to fend off any would-be tacklers. Helmet optional, spiking not allowed.

Lastly, and perhaps most profoundly, I present a pose that has little meaning to me (I didn’t really care about the movie), but contains so much “in-your-face my kid is king of the world and I made him”-ness that I couldn’t help but consider it. And honestly, if it was sports related it would be the greatest birth pose known to man. In order to maximize drama in this pose you must receive the child and cradle it in your hands. Stare at nothing but the child for a ten Mississippi count or so, and then without speaking a word, turn your back from the crowd in the room and a slowly raise the child up above your head as to say, “Here he is. I made him and he is glorious” (obviously you’re just mentally speaking to the people on the hospital floor above you, bunch of jerks). I present to you…The Lion King.