Nearly all of my childhood lessons in machismo and comedy were garnered through my exposure to R-rated movies at a young age. As bad as that sounds it really was a very progressive parenting step employed by my mom. I wasn't ever allowed to watch any horror movies (which is probably why I curled up in a ball and whimpered endlessly in the theater when I tried to sit through "The Ring"...as the wife sat there completely unphased) and I had to close my eyes during all gratuitous sex scenes. I was also never allowed to cuss or play with guns when I was a kid, so it was sort of an agreement between my mom and I that I was allowed to be exposed to more mature content as long as I carried myself in a mature manner. When you think about it, it was actually a great life lesson about responsibility and earned trust and respect. Also, I did occasionally not completely close my eyes and was able to peek at a boobie now and again, so it was a win-win all around.
Fast forward to the present day and I am faced with the fact that in the near future I will be able teach the boy all the great things about being a man. Unfortunately, the only instructional man video I currently own on DVD is Footloose. This sweeping epic (shut up) taught me about the dangers of religious fervor, how to dance my anger out in warehouses, and how perfectly cute high school chicks can grow up to be skeletal caricatures of themselves (Sarah Jessica Parker). It also taught me to always fear John Lithgow and, perhaps most importantly, how sometimes a soundtrack can really outshine a film. So, as you can see 90 minutes of viewing could really save me endless hours of parenting talks, and really free up more time for me to surf and watch recorded English soccer matches on my DVR.
If one movie could have so much influence, imagine how much free time I could take back by merely purchasing Road House, Lethal Weapon 1 & 2, Eddie Murphy: Raw, Eddie Murphy: Delirious, Bill Cosby: Himself, Major League, Commando, Victory, Terminator, Brewster's Millions, and Die Hard. Not only would I enjoy experiencing these movies again with my son, but I would also save myself tons of awkward conversations and end up with a kid light years ahead of his peers in so many facets of life. And with today's awful fashion trends boomeranging right back in our face from the 80's, it would be the smoothest of transitions possible.
Did I mention that my mom and dad both used to work at Video Library (before the evil Blockbuster empire took it over) and I had Beta and VHS versions of nearly all of the aformentintioned movies? I bet this entire blog (and my personality in general) makes a lot more sense now.
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