I Have Been Replaced

That's right, the other day a giant box from diapers.com showed up on our doorstop, and what was inside was truly shocking. A giant u-shaped pillow known as a Back 'N Belly Pregnancy Pillow. Like all things baby related you could guarantee it would be 100% cutesy wootsie because this product's makers flagrantly disregarded the use of the word "and" or  an ampersand. Instead they opted for the apostophre and single letter combo, the universal mark for everything overpriced and targeted towards vulnerable parents. Dammit, these blood thirsty capitalists really know how to play their target demo.

Now just take a good long look at those images. If anyone woman was exposed to this product prior to their baby baking situation do you think guys would have half a chance at conning them into sex? Look at that thing, it's the perfect spouse. It provides women with some very "intimate" positions, it will allow you to snuggle late into the light, and in the end it won't tell you how mind-numbingly awful all your reality tv shows are! It's a freaking Stepford Husband.

Maybe I just have a natural aversion to all things pillow related, because once you are married all husbands are subjected years of world's most ridiculous product...the decorative pillow. I can't get started on these poofy little squares, circles, and cylinders of retardedness, because if I do I won't stop typing until after the boy arrives. Just know this, they suck and are never actually used for anything other than to drive tassled wedges into otherwise healty relationships. That's why when the wife goes out of town me and dogs regularly sleep on them, just out of principle.

Back to the body pillow. My main concern was that this rowboat-sized pillow would now force me to sleep on couch since we are already sort of scrunched in our queen bed with two dogs and a wife that likes to roll and twitch in her sleep (she says she's sleeping when she pops me in the throat at 3 in the morning, but I think I'm going to set up a nanny cam on her ass.). But against all logic it turns out that this stuffed arch ended up giving me more space and comfort for sleeping. It provides borders to limit the wild pregnancy flails at night and the dogs love to snuggle on and inside of it. So now I have more room, and less stress at night (nanny cam still not out of the question).

I really couldn't be more thrilled with how this whole thing worked out. The wife is much more comfortable and ergonomically supported at night, I don't have to worry about endless shoving matches with the pug and pitbull for bed real estate, and since the thing is so huge the wife probably won't notice when I start hucking decorative pillows into our neighbors' backyards and blaming the losses on her pregnancy brain. Booyah!