Gimme Sympathy

What the hell is going on with my body right now? Everyone asks how the wife is doing, and she's doing just like a pregnant woman should be doing, but what about me? My back aches, I'm not sleeping through the nigh, I can't stop craving goddamn Panda Express, and I swear I'm peeing about 14 times a day. I never believed in sympathy pains, and I still don't, but I do think it's funny that my current lifestyle choices are leading to a series of results that would normally imply a giant jump in estrogen.The funny thing (the previous sentences weren't really funny, but instead stone cold truths) is that now the wife feels like I feel in every normal day of my life.

Here's a quick rundown of our newfound similarities:

• Happy Hours aren't nearly as fun when you're forced to hangout for multiple sober hours and then drive drunk asses home. In fact, 80% of alcohol related social encounters completely blow when you can't drink.
• My back kills from years of athletic overuse and lack of stretching, hers from carrying around life all day.
• Her maternity pants keep sliding off because of their elastic waistbands, mine do because I have a flat ass (or "no-ass-at-all" disease, as it's referred to in medical literature).
• TV's and couch are incredibly alluring when you can't do anything athletic because your body is currently a shell of its former self.
• And sweat pants, sweet sweet sweat pants. There is no further explanation needed.  

My only grave fear is what can I do to compare to her popping out the lil midget? The posibilities are very limited and all equally cringe-inducing.