Big Nothing

Do you remember that scene in the movie Big where Tom Hanks calls home to talk to his mom, but unfortunately he is trapped in the body of a 30 year old man and can't exactly explain to her who he is and why her son is missing? He ends up reassuring her that her 12 year old boy is doing just fine and they end the conversation on a bittersweet emotional note. It's an oddly poignant moment, where her missing child is both dangled in front of her and then taken away again in the course of a very short phone conversation. The first time you watch this scene it probably struck you as a special moment between a boy who literally grew up too fast, and his mom, who will never be able to understand (on multiple levels) what happened to her son. But watching that scene 20 years later you will probably wonder aloud, "Why the hell didn't you call the cops and track down the wildy immature grown man who was not only crazy enough to kidnap your son, but he is now calling your dumbass and having heart to heart chats with you!"

Anyway, that phone coversation has been my average workday, everyday, over the past few weeks. I show up every morning to see my coworkers' wild excitement in their eyes burning for just a fleeting moment, and before I can even answer their "anything yet?" question you can see the reality sinking in as they realize that if I am standing there in front of them, it's fairly obvious that the wife hasn't given birth yet. I am essentially 6'2" of walking blue balls for everyone I see throughout the day. Keep in mind that I work in an office with about 60 people, have this conversation with a large majority of them, and that my cubicle mate has this conversation at least a few times everytime I go to lunch or leave my desk for any length of time greater than 10 minutes. The funny thing is that it's not annoying at all, I just see it as a challenge to see how many new self-deprecating ways I can come up with to turn the situation into darkly sarcastic fun. So far my favorite retorts are "Nope, nothing yet. Kid's not even here yet and he's already a huuuge disappoinment", "No baby after all ....turns out she was just fat", and, "Yep, but we weren't happy with the results so we're buying a Chinese one instead". It's a pretty sweet humor litmus test for the coworkers. I even had one friend send me a congratulatory text last week...too bad the kid still hasn't been born yet. I know I could be much more solemn and serious about the whole thing, but you try going through it a couple hundred times a week and see how you respond.